Do you and your Partner Feel like Bedtime is a chaotic “Divide and Conquer” battle?
In this video I am doing "hot seat coaching" for Gina C. in a classic situation where bedtime is a battle and she and her partner have to "divide and conquer" especially now that they have a new baby at home!
Gina’s 3 year old boy transitioned to the big-boy bed and consequently, there has been sleep drama ever since. The situation is leaving both mom and dad utterly exhausted, especially since they also have a newborn!
Being held "for just a little bit"
Tantrums
Crying
Carrying back to bed after he falls asleep
Waking up to "potty"
Falling asleep in the recliner
New baby at home
Nap refusal
Transition to big boy bed
Self Doubt- Questioning parental skills
Gina is asking "Will this ever end?" I am here to bring insight and clarity to a path forward to help her son achieve beautiful, blissful sleep!
I am so happy that Gina reached out for help. If you are thinking these same thoughts, don't grin and bear it. Sleep is a learned skill and we can create the right environment for any child.
Are you struggling with your child's sleep? Are you interested in an alternative to cry it out methods?
The first step to see if I can help you achieve beautiful, blissful sleep is to schedule a 60 minute ZOOM sleep strategy session. Go to this link and complete the contact me form and I will be in touch within 24 hours with directions on how to schedule your Sleep Strategy Session.
If you are still wondering if I can help, please know I do NOT advocate 'cry-it-out'. I am a Gentle Sleep Coach. If you want to learn about my guilt-free and gentle process, please go to these links.
The Blissful Baby Stairway to Sleep
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Hello? Hello, this is Joanna with Blissful Baby Sleep Coaching, and I'm going live today to do some hot seat coaching. I love doing this you guys. So I am super excited to do the hot seat coaching today for Gina SI from Texas. And she has a three-year-old son who has recently moved to the big boy bed in may. And ever since the transition has taken place,
it's been really challenging and Gina also has a newborn. So what I'm going to do for this hot seat coaching is Gina has filled out the, get your life back and all starts with sleep hot seat coaching forms. So she's given me a lot of details that I want to share with you so that you guys kind of have the full picture of her situation.
And then what I'm going to kind of go back and do and give her some recommendations and suggestions. So Gina, if you are here, you know, feel free to post a comment. So I know you're here as I move through this, I might be asking for some validation from you, like is, you know, am I getting these facts right?
Or does this sound like what you think is happening? Because it's kind of nice to have the, the back and forth in these hot seat. Coachings. If you're not here, it's not a problem because this will remain on Facebook live and I'll also be sending it out on email so that you can go back and watch the video. And if any of you are here and this,
and you can relate to what's going on, then obviously definitely chime in on that. Okay. So I'm going to jump right in here and I'm going to give you guys the backstory so that you know, what is happening with Gina. Okay. So recall she is a three-year-old boy and she said, and who just moved to the big boy bed in may.
So it's only been a couple of months. She says the bedtime or takes the bedtime routine, takes one to two hours. Her son will request to use the potty two or more times. He requests a sip of water or milk and, or a pat on the back, or he wants to have quiet time while dad sits in the rocking chair. Oftentimes he'll request to be held in dad arms for just a little bit,
which she's put that in quotes, which I think is great. Cause right, these two year olds there's three year olds can be so cute with their requests. She says, okay, depending on the night, one or two things that occurs after that, either the child will tantrum and cry or dad will eventually tire and carrying him to recliner in the living room until they both fall asleep,
dad will then carry him back to the room and place him in his bed fully asleep. Okay. So this is what's happening at bedtime. Now I also asked her, well, what happens in the middle of the night? And she said, okay. And the middle of the night, our son will walk into our bedroom, wake up, dad asked to go potty and then wants to be held again.
So whatever notably happens, his dad and her son will fall asleep in the recliner, in the living room. And then the child will be carried back to his bed. So you guys remember that they also have a newborn in the house. So we've kind of got one of those, you know, classic situations where it's like divide and conquer. Right.
So probably mom is with the newborn and dad is like, okay, I'm in charge of the three-year-old. Okay. She's also having issues with naps. Okay. And he says, because he transitioned to a twin bed in may, he will either play or refuse to nap. So on top of all the other things happening at bedtime in the middle of night,
now she has a three-year-old that doesn't want to nap during the day. Which of course we can all have extreme empathy for Eugena because you're no one in your households getting a break. You've got a three-year-old boy awake all day and having broken sleep at night. I am so, so sorry. And I'm here to help you today. Okay. I asked her how,
how, how do you feel, how do you feel professionally, personally, emotionally and physically. And she said his regression and his sleep schedule has left us both mom and dad utterly exhausted, especially since we're tending to the newborn. We do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Excuse me. We do not see any light at the end of the tunnel.
And it really truly has this question about parental skills. So, you know what I want to say this for any of you listening now or those listen later, one of the hardest things about being a parent is we're constantly confronted with our own self doubt and self doubt can just be dilapidating. It can just be really emotionally exhausting because you're always second guessing yourself.
You're always wondering if there's a better way. You're always feeling guilty about whether or not you're doing it good or bad. So I, I definitely understand this dilemma that you're, you're questioning your parenting skills and when issues start happening with sleep, it is very common because we're already a little bit emotional, fragile from our, you know, lack of sleep and broken sleep,
you know? Cause we all know we get a more emotionally fragile when we are low on sleep. Then of course it brings this parental self-doubt right to the forefront. And so I just want you to know that it's not, that you're not a good mom or that you're not, you know, doing the, making the right choices in your parenting or that you need to up your game with your parenting skills.
It's more like the situation where you guys are all sleep deprived and it's confusing and you've probably tried lots of things and they haven't worked has now led you to this kind of avalanche of self doubt. It's not that your parental skills are non-existent okay. So I just want to kind of offer you some perspective and some encouragement there. So you don't keep beating yourself up because that's not going to help us here.
We need to go into this with recognizing that sleep is a learned skill and that we can absolutely solve this and that you have the potential you and your husband to work as a team to get sleep back on track. All right. So I asked her, what are the, what are some of the other crazy things going on in your head when you're thinking about this situation?
And she said, will this ever end, like, are we ever going to solve this? And she's wondering, is this just a typical three-year-old thing and he'll outgrow it? Or, or, or is this like the new normal, very important questions to ask because we don't want this to be the new normal. And so that's why I'm so happy that Gina is reaching out for help now,
and that she's not letting this situation continue and go into a state of, well, I guess I have a bad sleeper or well, I'll deal with it later. He'll grow out of it. Please, please, please. Any of you out there that are thinking those same thoughts, stop right. Alert. If you're having those thoughts, like, oh,
maybe my kid's just a bad sleeper or he'll, you know what, I'll just deal with it. He'll grow out of it. Anyone having those thoughts please stop. That is not the truth. Okay. Like I said, a couple of minutes ago, sleep is a learned skill and we can create the right atmosphere and the right environment for any child,
no matter what age and stage they're at to learn the skills of sleep. So this is not something to grunt, you know, to just grin and bear it. This is not something to just give up and go. I, you know, whatever, I guess I'll just deal with it. No, we can absolutely move forward with a resolution and have everybody sleeping because we want that.
We want that for your child for healthy growth and development. And we want that for you from a parenting point of view so that you can be at your, at your very best while you're on this parenting journey. Okay. So, so her big question is, okay, how do we get this routine down to 30 minutes or less without a tantrum and with overall good participation with the three-year-old.
So we will discuss that. And then she said, okay, and if all this happened, if you were able to help me with this, how would life feel? And she said, life would be more enjoyable. And I, instead of us driving both bath time and bedtime, which of course you guys, there's nothing worse than dreading the bedtime routine because sometimes that dreads starts hitting you at like 11:00 AM.
It doesn't even hit you at five. It's like creeping up on you all day long. And I don't want you to drive bedtime. I want you to feel like you've got, you've got bedtime, like a beautiful routine that you can rely on and depend on. And the bedtime can be a time with, you know, that runs smooth and where your child feels emotionally connected and versa.
Okay. So that is the backstory going on with Gina. So now let's talk about what's going on here and then we'll talk about where to solve it. All right. So first of all, let me give you guys plenty of context. Three-year-olds big boy beds. You as a, probably heard me say this before, but the transition to the big boy bed or the big girl bed is a massive vulnerability for sleep progression.
And in fact, I have a sleep regression guide that I'm going to put in the chat right now so that you guys can download this. And in fact, Cina, hopefully you can go grab this guide and download it instant, download free. And it reviews all the massive sleep regression reasons and gives you some specific directions on how to unravel it. But the transition to the big boy bed and the big girl bed is a massive vulnerability for sleep progression.
And the reason why is that if you don't prepare in advance for the transition, lots of shenanigans show up. And if your child had not been a great sleeper before the transition or the sleep skills were a little shaky or there were no sleep skills. And what I mean by that is if prior to the transition to the big boy bed, if your child was still dependent on anything being done to,
or for them at the onset of sleep at bedtime in order to go to sleep, or if your child, when they were still in the crib needed assistance to go back to sleep in the middle of the night, then you are already set up right from the start to have a miserable transition to the big boy bed. Okay? So remember you guys asleep crutch,
there's nothing wrong with sleep crutches. You can have them for long periods of time, but asleep crutch really is where a child needs you to do something to inform them in order to go to sleep. If that child moves from the crib to the big boy bed and still has to have a menu of things that you have to do to, and for your child in order to go to sleep or to go back to sleep,
they will carry over those requirements into the big boy bed scenario. But the problem is is that in the big boy bed scenario, it accelerates because now they have freedom to get up and to move around. And we also, you know, with three-year-olds, it is they're notorious for bedtime, stalling and requesting. And so you add the freedom, the existing sleep crutches and the,
the normal behavior of stalling and requesting, and it ends up creating kind of, you know, essentially the firestorm, which is exactly what you're living. So let's, let's talk about the, the stalling and the requesting for a second. So children that are two, three, and up until about four years of age are notorious for pushing boundaries. And they do this through requesting,
installing. It usually starts around dinner time and you can see it accelerating as you move closer and closer to trying to actually turn off the lights. They come up initially with some pretty legitimate requests, such as I need to go potty. I need another hug. You know, I need some more water. And so you're thinking to yourself, okay, you know,
that that's easy for me to do. I want to make sure I'm being attentive to my child. So I'll take the potty one more time or I'll offer them some more water or some more, you know, a cheese stick because they say they're hungry, but you ha what you have to realize about these requests is that the request typically is not about the thing they're asking for.
It's actually about engagement. Their desire is to con is to begin to stall and delay the bedtime. And so they're going to think of every sneaky way in order to delay. And every single time they ask for something and we get into a dialogue with them and we all, and we, you know, accommodate the request. They're like expanding the amount of time it takes for you to kind of execute the bedtime routine.
So the, so as it relates to this mom, like your, the bedtime problems, aren't starting at the time that dad tries to put them in the bed with a tantrum, it's probably starting at least an hour before. So we need to kind of go back in time and say to ourselves, okay, what's really happening around dinner time. Because if,
if you have to really get into a very smooth routine, that is the same every single night, right? So that you can accommodate the requests before the request comes. And that you're moving in this very sequential way, that the chin, depending on the pattern. Now I know this is hard during summer, right? We have swim lessons. We have like barbecues,
things are happening. But when you were in the middle of a sleep dilemma, like this, Gina, you're going to have to kind of go into sleep coaching mode for probably a solid two weeks. And what I mean by that is you're going to have to be home for dinner, home for bath home, for bedtime. You're going to have to really go back to the basics and,
and, and ask yourself if you're meeting your child's appropriate sleep window, especially with the fact that he has now been refusing to nap. We've got a big problem here because he's probably already going into bedtime, utterly exhausted. And instead of him being tired and crashing out, which would be the easier thing for you and your husband, he's probably really wired and tired.
And so the potential for more stalling, more requesting and definitely more tantrums is right there. It's like a spotlight. Okay. And so typically at this age, from the time a child wakes up in the morning to the time they're ready for nap, number one is typically no longer than a five to six hour interval. And then from the time they wake up from their nap to the time they're asleep at bedtime,
not getting ready to go to sleep, but literally like already asleep is typically no more than four to five hours. So what the key thing is is that you're going to probably have to go back and do some investigative work by doing some sleep logging, to really start getting a understanding how you might be missing the sleep window, both at nap, time and bedtime,
which is why it's lowering the probability for those two things to occur, especially if he is skipping his nap. Like if you're having a hard time getting nap back on track, because bedtime is so crazy, then his bedtime is going to be really early. I mean, his bedtime might be like six or six 30. And so going back to like,
you're going to go and sleep training mode, you know, this means like you're also not traveling, right? You're not having guests. You're, you're just really dedicating yourself to identifying the naptime sleep windows and the bedtime sleep windows and making sure that you have a very, very smooth transition going into bedtime because you don't want to catch him over tired or else you're just gonna leave yourself vulnerable for all of these tantrums and more delays.
The other thing we have to do is we have to address the situation at the, at, at the scene of the crime, which is kind of like when dad does bedtime routine, when we aren't being consistent in how we attend to our child, we actually create them to tantrum more. So I know dad is trying to do the best he can because he's helping you with the newborn and he's got a broken sleep himself.
But the fact that sometimes dad holds them in his arms and sometimes doesn't, and sometimes it's, you know, the, the, this kind of inconsistency on how dad decides to handle the time is probably one of the reasons why you're seeing an increase in protest, tears, and tantrums. So you're going to have to go back to you and husband, sit down and kind of come up with a very specific way that you're going to handle it,
the bedtime routine. So this kind of goes back to my trusty book that I recommend all moms have on their bookshelf, which is good. Night's sleep tight by Kim west. What I love about this book is that you do not have to read the whole book, cause I know no mother has time, but what I want both of you guys to do husband and wife is to read understanding tears,
which is like literally a page and a half, but it's going to start giving you the mindset that you need to be taking. When you go into sleep training mode, you are the coach. You were there to help your child regulate and create the right environment and circumstances for learning. You are not there to sleep, crutch them. So getting into the right mindset is like one of the most important things you can do to support your child.
The second thing I want you guys to do is I want you to specifically read the section on three-year-olds and I want you to read the section on transitioning to a big boy bed, because in that it's going to lay out a specific day-by-day step-by-step plan. And it's going to be really important that both husband and wife read the chapters and that you guys come together kind of at the dining,
you know, dining room table and have like what I call a business meeting, which is like, okay, we've both read the chapters. This is what I think might work well for our child. Look at the family calendar and decide kind of what your night one is going to be. Okay. So when you start to sleep coaching, it's not something random.
It's not something like, I need to figure this out right now, and I'm going to start it tonight, or I'm going to start it tomorrow night. It's really not like that. You have to think of sleep. Coaching is like going on a diet, right? Like when you really are serious about a weight loss journey, you are being very mindful.
Like, okay, am I going to do keto? Or am I going to do whole 30? Or am I going to be, you know, go vegan. And then you're going to, you know, evaluate your pantry in your freezer. And you're going to get your meal plans together and you're going to batch cook and you're going to plan your meals.
And you're going to alert all your friends and family that you're doing this so that everyone will support you. And you're going to give yourself a long period of time to onboard yourself with getting used to your new diet profile and your new eating habits. And then you're going to allow time for the body to adjust to it. And then eventually you're going to start seeing some weight loss over the course of time.
That's the mindset you need to go into with sleep coaching. Like this is something that you go in with very mindfully. You, you, you, you, you absolutely need to do it with the support of your partner. So it is a joint decision by husband, you know, by the two partners you plan in advance, you decide on your methodology,
you decide on your plan. You decide who the sleep coach is going to be. My recommendation is, is that whoever the sleep coach is going to be in this particular situation needs to be the same person for both bedtime and middle of the night for seven days, straight at a minimum, then you can probably consider switching to the other caregiver, but in genus specific situation,
I think that consistency is going to be paramount because there's already been a tremendous amount of inconsistency, which has created the additional tantrums. And so we need to kind of calm that down. And by having the same caregiver, do the same routine and it, and respond to the child the same way at bedtime and in the middle of the night, it's going to help calm and give that balanced platform for learning that learning environment that I keep talking about.
And, and then once you guys have your plan, you know, you're going to look at the family calendar and decide when your night one is going to be. And because your child is three, it's going to be really important to loop him in, in this process and let him understand that, like, you know, we're going to make some changes because we want to have a really fun summer.
And, you know, everyone needs really good sleep. I need good sleep. You know, your daddy, the baby, everyone needs good sleep. And so we're going to work really hard on your sleep and you have the child participate with you. You'll probably see. And in the book, there's a recommendation for sleep manners book. I would absolutely do that in advance.
Again, this is one of those kind of pre-training things you would do. You would get a sleep manners book so that your child knew what the routine was, what the expectations were. You would role play around how the, how the child is going to expect you to respond that way you minimize the frustration and the tears and the tantrums, because everything is aligned between parents.
The child knows what's coming, you've role-played with them. And you've created the sleep manners book. So they know what their expectations are. Then you start your night one and you do your night one. And then the next morning you sit down as a family and discussed what went well and what didn't go well, and what we need to plan and change for night two.
And obviously with the three-year-old, what you can often do is role-playing with them. So if you had some, if they did some things really well in their, in their sleep routine, you want to praise, praise, praise them. Absolutely. And if there were some things where they were a little bit shaky, not a problem that's to be expected because they're learning a new skill,
then you would go and practice what was really hard for them, so that they could kind of do better during the daylight hours. So that when you go back into bedtime that night, there's a higher probability of them feeling comfortable and confident to do better because now they know what is being expected of them. And again, all parents are clear on what the plan is,
and you'll probably have to, like I said, stay focused on this for a solid two weeks. Now, if your child never learned sleep skills to begin with, and you're like, oh my gosh, like he was a mediocre or bad sleeper in the crib. And now I'm expecting him to be a perfect sleeper in a big boy bed. Then that's to me like regular,
like you need to like stop right now, call a trusted, certified, gentle sleep coach. And you'll probably need support on actually sleep training your child from top to bottom because they never learned the sleep skills. And if they don't have the sleep skills already embedded, when they were at crib sleeper, it is going to be much harder for them to learn those same skills under the new environment.
And in that situation, since you guys are already feeling really exhausted and depleted, you're probably going to need some expert support to walk you day by day, step by step and customize the process to meet you guys where you are and his learning profile with his age and stage. And also for you guys, because your parents have a newborn as well. But if he previously had good sleep skills,
then I think that, that you going back into this book and collaborating with your husband and collaborating with your child, it's really going to give you that foundational piece that I think you kind of jumped over. You kinda missed when making that transition in may and in terms of how do I get this routine down to 30 minutes? Okay. Typically a routine from the time you start bath to the time they're asleep is usually 30 to 45 minutes.
So what I just described in him going through this new learning process, you will get down to that. And like I said, in terms of what time will he go to bed? I mean, I, if he's literally refusing nap or growing out of his nap, you know, he might be as, as bad as early as 6, 6 30 every night,
and you'll have a quiet house. And this idea of, I want really good participation from my son. That's where that sleep enters book and the role-playing becomes really, really imperative. And again, this is something to, to, to prepare for and plan before you try to execute the, the actual sleep plan on the night when a coaching. And so,
you know, for those of you that are like, oh my gosh, this sounds like me. I can't believe it. I never sleep, train my baby in the crib. And now I'm trying to make this big transition to the big boy bed or the big girl bed. No wonder it's not working. Like, don't worry about it. Don't beat yourself up.
Remember, we're not going to go down that self-doubt road, just recognize that there's hope and help to be had. Like you can absolutely reach out to a trained and certified gentle sleep coach. You do not. This does not mean you have to cry it out. This, this is just a powerful learning opportunity for your child to learn lifelong independent sleep skills.
And, and as you guys know, obviously, cause you're here and listening, I'm a gentle sleep coach. So I do not believe in cried out. And the first step in working with me, where I can assess your situation is to do a Sleep strategy session, which is a 45 minute session on zoom with me, where I'm able to assess your situation and offer insight and perspective and talk about the different ways that you can this situation.
And I, those of you that are thinking, like, I just need to talk to somebody and ask my questions and hear my story. That would be the first step. I do want everyone to know I am going on family travel. We're staying, you know, local in California, but I'm definitely gonna try to do a digital detox. So I will not be on Facebook or doing any client consults or sleep strategy sessions starting.
Let's see, let me just get you guys the right timing, starting the 18th through about August 2nd. So you can absolutely email me. I might be a little bit slow to respond because I'm trying to stay as far away as possible from my phone and my computer. We'll see if I can do it. I, I, I love my job so much.
It's hard for me to stay away, but I'm going to try to do that because my family really wants me to, and I think I probably need a little bit of a mental mental break. So thank you so much for being here. Those of you that are listening to this later, always feel free to do hashtag you know, replay and I'll know to go back and answer your questions after you've watched the video and those of you that are watching this thinking,
oh my God, that sounds like my friend. Please share this video with them so that they can get insight and perspective too. All right. Take care. Bye.